7 Powerful Perspective Shifts That Will Boost Your Love Life
6 Harsh Truths that Will Make You Better with Women
11 Ways To Skyrocket Your Confidence
By the worlds #1 dating coach for Introverted Men - Nick Neeson.
Why can’t I just tell her I love her?
Have you ever…
• Confessed your feelings too soon, too often, or too intensely, and lost the woman you really liked because of it?
• Chased her too much and all it did was make her run for the hills?
• Asked her if you were BF/GF and scared her by wanting to put a label on your relationship too quickly?
If any of those situations have ever happened to you, chances are you started looking online for some dating advice.
You might have read some articles, watched some YouTube videos, or posted your questions on forums.
Maybe you even bought an e-book or online training course.
In your search for answers, you’ve probably found a lot of "terrible" dating advice.
Advice that’s just not you, like:
1. Pick-up artist advice that tells you to use manipulative tricks.
2. Bad-boy advice that tells you to treat women like shit.
3. More respectable advice, but that tried to change you into an extrovert.
If you’ve been searching the internet for some time, then you know that roughly 99% of all the advice out there falls into one of the above three categories.
Here are some examples of what you mostly find on the internet:
(Examples of manipulative PUA techniques
More PUA examples below:
More PUA Examples
Bad-boy examples:
Example of bad-boy teachings. Look at the title: “Make the HO say NO!”
Here’s another one from a site that teaches bad-boy techniques:
Excerpt taken from a website that teaches bad-boy techniques
Ugh… it makes me wanna puke.
But anyways, let’s get back to our point.
When you look at the advice you find online, what does it all have in common?
These sites tell you to behave unethically or fake being an extrovert when you are actually an introvert.
However…
In your online search, you might also have found some “tidbits” of decent advice that are applicable to your situation.
Here’s some generic but decent advice you might have found:
• Make yourself less available so she will start chasing you more.
• Don’t tell her you love her until she tells you she loves you first.
• Don’t text her two times in a row without her texting back first.
• Don’t call her all the time.
• End conversations first.
And honestly, even though it’s generic advice it kind of makes sense, right?
Deep down, you know that’s actually what you SHOULD be doing.
But… But… But…
… for some reason you don’t.
Because at some level you think it’s fake or unethical.
Here’s how one of our clients put it during his last coaching session.
I don’t want to play games—it’s fake and unethical. Why can’t I just tell her I love her?
If that sounds familiar to you, I can totally understand how you feel. Most of our clients felt the same way until they found out that there’s nothing fake or unethical about using decent dating skills. And I’ll tell you exactly why in just a few seconds.
But first, let me clarify to avoid any misunderstanding.
I’m talking about DECENT dating dynamics here, NOT the manipulative PUA or bad-boy advice. I’m also not talking about behaving like an extrovert when in fact you are an introvert.
In fact, I COMPLETELY AGREE: If you use PUA or bad-boy tactics, or if you behave like an extrovert when you’re not one, then you are being 100% unethical and fake.
However, I’m talking about a different dating approach.
I’m talking about the good and decent dating tactics that you can use as an introverted man.
Here’s the problem:
Even With Good And Decent Dating Tactics, Some Men Still Feel Like It’s Fake Or Unethical.
If you can relate to that, then you might be confusing “fakeness” with personal growth and “ethicalness” with Disney naivety.
I’d like to give you some different perspectives to consider.
Change Your Perspectives About Dating, And You Will Change Your Results
Perspective Shift #1:
Don’t Confuse “Fakeness” With Personal Growth.
Let’s analyze the root cause of the three behaviors we described in the beginning of this post:
• Confessing your feelings too soon, too often, or too intensely.
• Chasing her.
• Asking her if you are BF/GF.
What do all three of them have in common? What’s the root cause that’s driving this behavior?
All three are symptoms of a deeper cause: neediness.
What is neediness?
According to the dictionary, neediness is the state of wanting or needing affection, attention, or reassurance, to an excessive degree.
Neediness Causes Unattractive Behavior
Men who confess their feelings too soon, too often, or too intensely do so because they are looking for her to reassure them that she feels the same way.
When you chase a woman, you’re coming from a place where you need her attention and affection.
When you ask her if you are a couple, it’s the same. It’s coming from a place where you need her reassurance.
You might argue and say, “But Nick, I just need to know where I’m standing. There’s nothing needy about that!”
My friend, if you look deeper inside of yourself, and if you are REALLY honest with yourself, you’ll realize that you are being needy.
See, if you NEED to hear from her where you’re standing, that’s needy behavior.
If you didn’t need it, then you wouldn’t act like that.
That’s the whole point.
Why am I explaining all of this to you?
Now that you know that this behavior is caused by neediness, you’ll understand better why decent dating skills are NOT fake. They are, at worst, just uncomfortable in the beginning.
Learning Dating Skills Can Feel Uncomfortable, That Doesn't Mean It's Fake
Decent dating skills will focus on eliminating needy behavior. At first, that will feel uncomfortable, because inside you are still needy. Your psychology hasn’t changed yet.
You are improving yourself. That means you’re changing, you’re growing. That feels uncomfortable. That’s why so few people work on improving themselves.
Changing and growing means doing things that you don’t FEEL like doing.
Now, let me ask you a question.
If you let your actions be decided by how you feel, is that a good thing?
Mostly not.
Here are some examples:
You should go to the gym, but you don’t feel like it, so you drop yourself on the couch and watch some Netflix.
You should eat healthier, but you don’t feel like it, so you go for that candy bar instead of a piece of fruit.
You should make yourself less available to her and let her chase you a bit more, but you don’t FEEL like it, so you call her three times a day.
Are you starting to see a pattern here?
We humans have a tendency to let our emotions dictate our actions. This is NOT a good thing. It’s a weakness in most cases.
We then rationalize our behavior by saying that new behavior is fake, or any of the other GAZILLION excuses we come up with not to change.
But here’s the brutal truth, my friend.
Doing the things that you don’t feel like doing doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you’re disciplined and strong.
Not saying all the things you feel like saying doesn’t mean you’re fake, it means you’re intelligent.
And knowing the difference between what you can say and what you can’t say makes you wise.
It’s the same in dating skills.
Learning decent dating skills and pushing through your comfort zone doesn’t mean you are fake, it means you are strong, perseverant, and intelligent.
According to best-selling author and most sought-after personal growth expert Mike Robbins, it’s impossible to take your relationships to where you truly want them to be if you’re not willing to be uncomfortable in the process.
Here’s an excerpt from his article on Oprah.com:
Don't Confuse Fakeness With Personal Growth
Okay! Now that we’ve gained some perspective on the ‘it’s fake’ part, let’s look at the other part…
Perspective Shift #2:
Don’t Confuse “Ethicalness” With Naïve Disney-Movie Ideals.
Some men think learning dating skills and tactics is unethical and manipulative.
And yes, if you’re using PUA or bad-boy tactics, then yes, it’s definitely unethical and manipulative.
But if you’re using decent dating skills, it’s not.
The problem is that most men confuse “ethicalness” with naïve Disney ideals.
Since our childhood, Disney movies have been imprinting certain naïve ideals upon us that just don’t work in the real world.
Disney Ruined Our Dating Life
Here are just a few of the ideals that Disney used to ruin our love lives:
- Be a nice guy and you’ll get the girl. (We all know that’s not true.)
- Always tell her how you feel about her, tell her you love her, and you will sweep her off her feet. (How has that worked for you so far?)
- Be romantic. Buy her flowers, write her love letters, read her love poems. (Had any luck with that lately?)
Disney went even further and conditioned us to believe that any behavior that deviates from these ideals is unethical.
As a result, grown men still believe that if they don’t live according to these ideals, they are being unethical.
But nothing is further from the truth.
Unethical. Manipulation. Lying.
These are rather heavy words to use.
So let’s make sure we don’t confuse them with breaking away from naïve Disney ideals.
And to do that, let’s take a deeper look at what manipulation really is.
Perspective Shift #3:
The Hammer.
"You can never really live anyone else's life, not even your child's. The influence you exert is through your own life, and what you've become yourself."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
In teaching dating dynamics for the past 20+ years, I’ve often been asked if dating skills are a form of manipulation.
Aren’t dating tactics all about getting women to do what you want them to do?
That’s a bit like saying that a hammer is a tool of destruction. Sure, it can be used to smash up a set of fine china. However, most hammers have been used to build things, not break things.
In the same way, dating tactics are tools, and how those tools are used depends on the underlying motivation of the person who wields them.
You can compare it to the difference between influence and manipulation.
According to the dictionary, these words are actually pretty close in definition.
They both involve producing an effect in others without exertion of force.
Here’s a great definition according to Psychology Today.
Dating vs PUA is Like Influence vs Manipulation
To me, the difference between influence and manipulation is the same as the difference between dating skills and pick-up artist skills.
Dating and attraction skills enable you to present yourself in an attractive way, and trigger attraction within women.
PUA and bad-boy techniques aim to create illusions and lies to trick women into liking you, or lower women’s self-esteem so that you can look more attractive by contrast.
Perspective Shift #4:
The Force.
You could also say that dating and attraction skills are the good side of the force, while PUA and bad-boy techniques are the dark side of the force.
Is the force something bad? Nope. It’s how you use it that makes it good or bad.
So, as long as you practice to become a Jedi instead of a Sith lord, you’re not being unethical with your dating skills. ;-)
Here are a few different ways real people just like you look at dating skills:
Perspective Shift #5:
How Real People Just Like You See It – Dave’s View
Here’s how Dave sees it:
It’s a way of presenting myself in a more attractive way, just like women present themselves in more attractive ways by using makeup, push-up bras, and other kinds of visual enhancements. There’s nothing wrong with that. That’s how the world works. People present themselves in the best possible way—not only in dating, but also in business and other parts of their lives.
Perspective Shift #6:
How Real People Just Like You See It – Miles's View
Here’s how Miles sees it:
The dating game is played no matter what. So, either I can sit by and watch like a spectator or I can join the action. I choose to join the action. And like you said, Nick, you have the good side of the force and the bad side of the force. I use dating skills as the good side of the force to give her the gift of falling for a good guy, and protect her from falling into the hands of a PUA or bad guy that uses the dark side. I think that’s a good thing.
Perspective Shift #7:
How Real People Just Like You See It – Drew's View
Here’s how Drew sees it:
To me, dating dynamics is just another form of social dynamics.
It’s like when you’re having friends over for pizza, and there’s just one last slice left. You don’t take the last slice—you leave it for other people. You really wanted that last slice of pizza, but you didn’t show it. Where you being fake? Of course not! You just showed social intelligence.
Or when the bride walks down the aisle, totally happy and glowing, but you think her wedding dress looks cheap and ugly. Will you tell her you think her dress looks like crap? Of course not! Does this mean you’re lying or being unethical? Of course not. It means you have social intelligence. You know how to behave in social situations.
And just as there are certain dynamics in social situations, there are also certain dynamics in dating and love. If you want to have a good social life, you need to learn how to behave socially. It’s the same with dating. If you want to have a fulfilling dating and love life, you need to learn how to behave in those areas.
There’s nothing inauthentic about it. On the contrary, it’s a life skill!
I hope this article gave you some fresh perspectives on how you can look at dating and learning decent dating skills.
Because as long as you don’t change your view on this, you probably won’t see much improvement in your love life.
Ask yourself:
I hope you make that decision right now!
How would it feel to have more control over your dating life and more success in your love life?
Changing the way you look at dating skills is your first step.
If you don’t change your perspective on that, nothing else will change.
You can surf the internet as much as you want, but you won’t learn a thing because REAL learning happens on the behavioral level. If you don’t change your behavior, you haven’t really learned anything.
And if you don’t change your perspective, you won’t be able to change your behavior.
After all, there’s a reason why Albert Einstein said:
Examples of unethical dating skills are PUA and bad-boy techniques.
Ethical dating skills enable you to present yourself in an attractive way so that women WANT to be with you.
Sometimes, even ethical dating skills might feel unethical. But in reality they are not.
It’s because you are confusing “ethicalness” with naïve Disney-movie ideals.
The difference between ethical dating skills and unethical dating skills is like the difference between the good side of the force and the bad side of the force. The force is neither good nor bad, it’s the intention with which it’s wielded that makes it good or bad.
You are only being fake if you learn dating skills that require you to change your personality or that go against your deepest values.
For example, behaving like an extrovert while you are an introvert. Or learning PUA techniques when you are a smart, good man.
Decent and ethical dating skills are good dating skills. Still, they can feel uncomfortable at first because you are growing as a person. Therefore, they can feel like something fake.
Don’t confuse feeling fake with personal growth.
In order to improve your dating life, the first step is to change your perspective on dating skills.
Once you have changed your perspective, only then can you change your behavior.
Speaking of changing your behavior, I’ve included a killer bonus package that will help you learn decent and ethical dating skills so that you can attract and date beautiful, high-quality women.
The Authentic & Ethical Dating Package consists of three resources:
Because as long as you don’t change your view on this, you probably won’t see much improvement in your love life.
Ask yourself:
- How many times have naïve Disney ideals cost you the opportunity to attract and build romantic relationships with beautiful, sweet, quality women?
- How much failure did you have to suffer because of this?
- Did it cause you to become a victim of your love life?
- How much pain have you felt because of it?
- When will you reach your pain threshold, say “Enough is enough!” and decide to finally change?
I hope you make that decision right now!
Imagine.
What would your life look like if you could attract and date beautiful, sweet, and intelligent women that adore you for who YOU are?How would it feel to have more control over your dating life and more success in your love life?
Changing the way you look at dating skills is your first step.
If you don’t change your perspective on that, nothing else will change.
You can surf the internet as much as you want, but you won’t learn a thing because REAL learning happens on the behavioral level. If you don’t change your behavior, you haven’t really learned anything.
And if you don’t change your perspective, you won’t be able to change your behavior.
After all, there’s a reason why Albert Einstein said:
The definition of insanity is repeating the same behaviors and expecting a different outcome.
-Albert Einstein
Conclusion.
There are ethical dating skills and unethical dating skills, fake skills and authentic skills. Unethical dating skills are manipulative. They use deception, lies, and manipulation to trick women, or they lower women’s self-esteem to make it easier to seduce them.Examples of unethical dating skills are PUA and bad-boy techniques.
Ethical dating skills enable you to present yourself in an attractive way so that women WANT to be with you.
Sometimes, even ethical dating skills might feel unethical. But in reality they are not.
It’s because you are confusing “ethicalness” with naïve Disney-movie ideals.
The difference between ethical dating skills and unethical dating skills is like the difference between the good side of the force and the bad side of the force. The force is neither good nor bad, it’s the intention with which it’s wielded that makes it good or bad.
You are only being fake if you learn dating skills that require you to change your personality or that go against your deepest values.
For example, behaving like an extrovert while you are an introvert. Or learning PUA techniques when you are a smart, good man.
Decent and ethical dating skills are good dating skills. Still, they can feel uncomfortable at first because you are growing as a person. Therefore, they can feel like something fake.
Don’t confuse feeling fake with personal growth.
In order to improve your dating life, the first step is to change your perspective on dating skills.
Once you have changed your perspective, only then can you change your behavior.
Speaking of changing your behavior, I’ve included a killer bonus package that will help you learn decent and ethical dating skills so that you can attract and date beautiful, high-quality women.
The Authentic & Ethical Dating Package consists of three resources:
- Top 100 Decent Dating Tips For The Introverted Man: 100 different dating tips that are ethical and that work for introverted men - even if you’ve never succeeded with dating skills before.
- My Number-One Inner Game Technique: How to create core confidence and kill neediness in just 90 days even if you’ve been shy all your life.
- Plus a SUPER SECRET bonus!
