If you are an introverted man….


You may notice no matter how many blogs, YouTube videos, books, or courses on approaching women you consume, …


You still feel like a nervous wreck when you have to do it…


You still feel like there’s some information that’s missing…


Like you’re not having all the pieces of the puzzle…


Like it doesn’t fully click….


AND…


You can’t put your finger on it!


If that’s the case…


It’s because of ONE common issue that causes you to:

• Feel extreme nervousness when approaching
  
  
• Not know what to say to start a conversation
  
  
• Quickly run out of things to say after you started the conversation
  
  
• Being unable to get past a friendly chat and get her number and a date…
  
  
  

All of which leads to rejection after rejection…


Turning dating in a draining numbers game…


Where you have to approach HUNDREDS of women…


So that…MAYBE…ONE DAY…you’ll get lucky!


Which leads to feeling like there’s something inherently wrong with you…


A decrease in self-esteem and confidence…


Resulting in even less success…


More loneliness…


More frustration…


More anger…


And lots of worrying!


Worrying, you'll have to stay alone for the rest of your life.


Worrying, you'll have to settle for a woman you're not attracted to.


Plus…


It robs you of your time, energy, and creativity…


Which you could have used for your career or your business!


And as I said…


All of this is caused by ONE issue that is typical for introverted men.


Here it is…

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Secret 1 — How To Approach A Lady For The First Time By Understanding The "SRG Challenge"

SRG stands for "Stimulus-Response Gap."


And it’s the ROOT CAUSE of almost every issue introverts have when approaching women.


You see...


We, Introverts, tend to “think” before we speak.


And that thinking time results in a “gap” between the stimulus (what the other person says) and our response.


And that “gap” is where the conversation usually fizzles out…


The problem becomes even more prominent when we are talking to a beautiful woman.


Cause now…


We feel this URGE to come up with something REALLY original to impress her…


Plus, we also want to be sure what we say doesn’t make her feel uncomfortable!


So, for each word, a hot babe tells us…


Our minds start racing…


Analyzing ALL the different angles…


As well as ALL the different pros and cons for EACH of those angles!


Which takes even more thinking time and therefore creates even bigger SRG’s.


And when we talk to a woman for the first time…


That can be a BIG problem…


Cause she’s not yet invested in us…


She doesn’t know the REAL us yet…


Which means she’ll excuse herself and move on!


And the worst part is…


30 minutes later…


When we’re analyzing the conversation…


We come up with the perfect thing to say!


FRUSTRATING AS HELL!


And what’s even more frustrating is that…


Most dating advice is not helping us with this problem.


In fact, it’s making it worse!


Cause 99.999999% of dating advice is geared towards extroverts…


Or tries to turn introverts into extroverts!


In other words…


It does not respect the Stimulus-Response Gap that is typical for introverts.


Here’s some standard advice if found when I googled "How to approach a lady for the first time."

• Observe the situation and take a moment to come up with a plan.(The problem is by the time we come up with a plan, she’s already gone.)
  
  
• Draw on what she says and the environment.(Easier said than done, I'll just overthink more.)
  
  
• Wait for the right moment to ask her out.(Uhh… what’s the right moment? How do I know? How long exactly should I talk to her before asking her out?)
  
  

The list goes on and on…


But I think you get the point.


What does all of it have in common?


It pressures you to come up with clever things to say right on the spot…


Exactly when you’re the most stressed!


So…


What’s the solution?


Well… if we know, SRGs are the most significant issue…


Doesn’t it make sense that…


Instead of pretending they DON’T exist…


We start by acknowledging their existence…


And look for solutions to avoid them…


Or at the very least, create less of them and/or make them shorter?


Yeah?


I thought so, too!


So…


That’s why I started looking for a solution to this problem…


And I discovered a unique way to solve the RSG challenge, called…


Controlling Contingencies™….


Which I’ll explain to you in a minute…


But before I do, there’s something else we need to cover first…

Secret 2 — How To Approach A Lady For The First Time By Approaching Her Before Even Approaching Her

Most dating advice pushes the “just do it, man!“ approach.


They’ll give you an opening line and say…


“Just go out and say these words to start the conversation!”


But as a logical, linear thinking, introverted man, it’s not enough.


Cause our mind then instantly goes…


Is this the best way for my specific situation?


Are there different ways to open the conversations in different situations?


What if it’s a woman from work?


Or what if it’s a woman I see at the gym?


Or in the grocery store?


Or what if she’s with friends?


What’s the best way for each situation?


And we need those answers “before” we even go out!


Cause if we see a woman we want to approach, and we don't have them…


We’ll start overthinking…


And by the time we're done, she’s already gone!


That's why the best way to approach a lady for the first time...


Is to approach her before even approaching her.


Which simply means….


Having conversation starters ready for different types of situations.


So…


To get you going…


Here are some conversation starters and “exactly when” and “when not” to use them.

How to approach a lady in your social circle (work, friends, hobby club, etc.)

Many dating coaches will tell you to compliment a lady to start a conversation.


They say that because a compliment (when done correctly) is a very bold move.


And women like bold men.


In other words, a compliment triggers a lot of attraction right off the bat…


Which makes it a potent tool!


Yet…


When you start a conversation in your social circle…


It’s one of the worst types of openers you could ever use!


Cause it’s high-risk, high-reward!


If she likes you, it’s great!


But if she doesn’t like you…


Pretty soon, everybody will know you made advances on her.


Do that a few times in a venue you frequent, and you'll quickly have a player's reputation.


So…


In your social circle (and certainly work circle), it's better to start the conversation more indirectly.


For example…


If you see a woman at the gym…


You could ask her to spot you for a moment.


She'll probably say yes cause it's an ordinary request.


Next…


You want to check if she’s friendly and open.


If she is, you can now continue the conversation.


If she’s not, then simply thank her and move on.


You see…you didn’t risk anything.


She can’t say that you made advances on her.


Cause you didn’t.


You only asked her to spot you!


So, as a rule of thumb…


In environments where your reputation is essential…go for an indirect approach!

How to approach a lady for the first time in a social environment that you don’t frequent a lot (like a bar)

Even though this is also a social environment…


The difference here is that it’s not your social circle.


Meaning your reputation is less important here.


Plus, in these types of environments, it's acceptable that guys approach women.


In fact, believe it or not, having a bit of a ladies' men reputation is even an advantage in these venues.


Which means that you can be much more direct in your approach.


For example, here’s a standard way you start a conversation in a bar.


“That’s a sexy dress you’re wearing. I noticed you earlier and just couldn’t get that dress out of my head.”


As you can see, it's a pretty direct compliment, and you’re intentions are apparent.


Btw, you could just as well go the indirect road and ask her to pass you a napkin…


Then look if she's friendly and if she is, introduce yourself and you are in a conversation.


However, the direct way will give you a much higher success rate than asking her to pass you the napkin.


But again… it's a high-risk, high-reward thing.


Which is absolutely ok in this environment…


Even if she turns you down…


Cause there are no repercussions like there would be in your social circle.


Alrighty…


Up to the next one…

How to approach a lady for the first time in a non-social environment (grocery store, bookstore, shops, street, park, etc.)

Same here.


When you see a woman in a non-social venue, the best way to go about it is to approach her with a direct compliment.


Here it's even more critical than in a bar.


Cause you usually don’t have much time in these types of venues.


So you want to create attraction pretty heavily right off the bat.


And as I said, the compliment opener is the ideal tool for the job...


Cause it's so bold, and most guys don't have the guts to do it.


Especially not in the daytime where there’s no alcohol involved.


And again…


If she’s not interested…


There are no repercussions…


Cause she’s not in your social circle.


Here’s a standard way to start a conversation during the daytime:


"I literally just saw you, and I think you look… very… nice… and I wanted to come and say hi… So, hi.”


Anyways…


The point is to make a list of different openers for the various venues you frequent…


And think them through before you even use them…


So that when the moment comes you don’t have to think anymore…


Cause you already did!


Are you getting this?


Can you see how you will feel more confident, knowing what you will say in which type of situation?


Compare this to going about your day unprepared…


Then suddenly seeing a woman you fancy…


And having to come up with the perfect opener within seconds of seeing her…


Do you see how this would get you into overthinking mode?


Do you see how this will result in you not approaching at all?


Good!


Alright…


Now that we have eliminated any overthinking in the opening part.


What do we do after the opener?


Well, that’s the next step…

Secret 3 — How to Approach A Lady For The First Time Using The Controlling Contingencies Method™

Most dating coaches think the biggest issue guys have is starting conversations.


But in reality, starting conversations is not the most challenging part.


In fact, starting a conversation is VERY easy…


Cause it's something, you can prepare for…


It's within your control!


For most introverts, the real problem comes "after" the opener.


How do you make sure you’re not running out of things to say?


How do you make sure the conversation is more than just a friendly chat?


How do you make sure it leads to you getting a number and a date?


How the heck do you prepare for that?


Cause as I said…


The opener is within your control…


Easy peasy…


But what a woman says after the opener, that’s NOT within your control.


Cause every woman is different…


And every conversation is different!


And if you take too long to think about what to say…


You're creating huge Stimulus-Response Gaps.


Which will cause the conversations to fizzle out quickly!


And that’s where the Controlling Contingencies™ method comes into play.


Here’s how it works.


The first thing you want to do after the opener is to have ONE standard transition.


You heard me right.


ONE standard transition.


Not three… not two… but ONE!


For example, let’s say you approached a woman in a shop…


And you complimented her.


Now…


After you complimented her…


It doesn’t matter what “she” says…


You can always use the same transition.


For example….


You could guess where she’s from.


Let’s say she’s a blonde, you could say…


“You look like you have eastern European roots… you know you have blond hair… blue eyes… and the feisty way of walking!”


See what I just did?


I guessed something about here, and I did it in a funny and teasing way.


Now…what do I mean by controlling contingencies?


Well…


How many types of women are there really?


Let’s see…


Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and women with black hair.


So, in essence, you only have four contingencies.


Meaning you can control the conversation easily…


Cause you can have some standard things already in the hopper for each of those contingencies


The only thing you need to do is prepare a funny guess for each type of hair color!


Do you see how you can control the number of contingencies in that way?


And can you see how this allows you to control the conversation?


Let’s take this a step further, so it becomes even clearer!


Let’s say you guessed her roots…


Now, how many responses can she give to your guess?


Well, she could give you as many answers as there are countries in the world…


And that would be rather hard to manage…


But…


If you think about it, you can limit it to just two contingencies…


Either you guessed right, or you thought wrong…


And you can easily prepare some stuff in advance for these two contingencies.


See how this allows you to control the conversation?


Another thing you can guess is what she does for a living.


I have a client that will always guess the same job.


He’ll always say, “You look like you’re a lawyer… you know you have that save the world vibe”.


And women always laugh…


Literally, every woman he meets thinks it’s funny.


They don’t know he used it on hundreds of women before…


To them, it's the first time they hear it.


And when he guesses right, they'll say, "wow… how did you know?"


And when he guesses wrong, they'll say, "I'm not… but why did you think I'm a lawyer?"


Again…


They could say a thousand different job titles at this point, and he couldn't possibly have a witty response for all of them…


But it doesn’t matter…


Cause on a higher conceptual level, the contingencies are limited to just two answers….


Either she's a lawyer, or she isn't a lawyer.


And guess what?


Yep, for each of these contingencies, he’ll have another attractive thing to say.


Do you see what I mean?


Do you see how this method enables you to quickly come up with great and attractive things to say?


Do you see how it eliminates the Stimulus-Response Gap?


Do you see how this is especially effective for introverted guys, who tend to overthink every word they say?


Do you see how this makes your conversation much easier?


Do you see how you won’t be kicking yourself in the butt thirty minutes later cause you couldn’t come up with the right thing to say during the conversation?


Pretty awesome, right?


Yeah, methinks so!


Now…


You might be thinking…


Yes, but I can’t plan a conversation for hours like this!


Well…


Two things…


First…actually…YES… you can!.


It's very possible!


But second…


And this is more important…


You don’t have to plan an hour-long conversation like this.


All you have to do is have enough controllable contingencies to approach her, get her number, and set up the date.


And that can be done in 3 minutes!


Yep!


All it takes is a 3-minute conversation to get a date with a woman you approach for the first time!


Now…


You might be thinking, "But what do I do once I’m on the date?”


Do I need to prepare hours of conversation like this?


Nope, you don’t!


And there are two reasons why that’s not necessary.


First…


Once a woman is on a date with you…


You can have longer Stimulus-Response Gaps!


That’s because she’s more invested now.


You see…


There’s a big difference between talking to a woman you just met for the first time in a grocery shop…


And being on a date with that same woman.


In the first situation, if you don’t come up with funny things quickly…


She’ll excuse herself and leave.


But not on a date…


Second…


You can prepare the overall structure of your dates with this method…


Which DOES NOT mean microplanning or micromanaging everything you say…


But…


Every now and then, you’ll use some controllable contingencies to spike some attraction…


Cause if you can spike attraction in a woman just a couple of times during your date…


That’s more than enough.


YOU DON’T NEED TO DO IT ALL THE TIME!


In fact, if you do it all the time, it will backfire…


Cause you’ll come across as a superficial guy!


Really…


All you need is enough controllable contingencies to get you to a point where you feel comfortable…


Cause at that point, your conversation will naturally become free-flowing…


Just look at how you are with your friends and the people you feel comfortable with.


Are you’re conversations not easier with them?


Do you worry about what to say next?


No, you don’t!


Cause you’re comfortable.


That’s why all you need is controllable contingencies till you’re comfortable…


And then maybe a few backup ones you can use in IF AND ONLY IF the conversation starts to fizzle…


You know… just to get it going again…


Once that’s the case…


You can freestyle again…


And if a bit later the conversation needs another energy boost…


Just inject another controllable contingency.


You see?


You don’t have to micro plan everything…


You just need a few backups…


That you can inject strategically in the conversation – IF NEEDED!


Alrighty!


I hope you liked this blogpost…


Cause that’s all I’ve got for ya today…

How To Approach A Lady For The First Time: Frequently Asked Questions

What’s “SRG” Again?

SRG stands for Stimulus-Response Gap.


Introverts like to think before they speak.


There's nothing wrong with that, but many of us take this too far, and we overthink.


Especially when we talk with a beautiful woman.


Cause we want to come up with something original that will make us stand out.


This tendency to overthink creates a gap between the stimulus (something the woman says) and our response to what she says.


And when you’re talking to a woman for the first time, that “gap” can be a big problem.


Cause if we don’t come up with the right thing to say…


Or if we take too long to come up with it, she’ll excuse herself and be gone.

What’s the “Controlling Contingencies™” method again?

The Controlling Contingencies™ method is a simple system that controls the number of responses a woman can give during conversations…


And it prepares you with the exact things to say…


So you can sound and look really cool…


And get her number and a date within 3 minutes of meeting her.


The Controlling Contingencies™ method was explicitly developed for introverted men, who tend to overthink what they say.


If you’ve ever come up with the perfect thing to say “after” a woman was already gone…


And you thought to yourself, “Why didn’t I think of this earlier?” …


Controlling Contingencies™ is for you!


If you would like a deeper dive into this method…


I'm starting a new "Get Dates" one-on-one coaching program.


We start by building your confidence...


Show you how to approach women in different situations (including online and in-person)...


How to have free-flowing conversations after the opening line (using our Controlling Contingencies™ method)...


And how to set up dates as well as minimize flakes.


If you're more on the introverted side of the spectrum...you may be surprised to see what can happen :)


I have an amazing collection of "date getting formulas" for dozens of situations...


And I'd love to work with you.


Just shoot me an email at nickneeson@introvertedbadass.com with "Get Dates" in the subject line...


And I'll get you all the details!

DOWNLOAD THE PDF VERSION OF THIS ARTICLE NOW

SO YOU CAN USE IT FOR FUTURE REFERENCES.